Perfectionism at its finest
I hated it when people would come to my house. Especially unannounced.
I lived in an 800 square foot house that needed work I couldn’t afford. I had one teeny tiny bathroom that served me and a huge yard that often overwhelmed me. I clearly remember the day a colleague “popped” over with a latte. It might sound dramatic, but I almost DIED. I hadn’t washed the floors or the bathroom in weeks and I was mortified. I was trying to figure out if I could hide under the crap strewn about my house, or if I should get the door.
I only knew her from work and at work everyone knew me as 'perfect'- I was someone that made sure she did great work and always looked ‘put together’.
I gingerly opened the door.
I survived the visit, but it was uncomfortable and all I could think about was what she might be thinking about me. Was she thinking that I was disgusting, undone, or that I was a loser and she would never want to be my friend? Such ugly thoughts.
That was the moment I realized that I was one person inside of my home and I was another person outside of my home.
Being the perfectionist that I am, I spent thousands of dollars on therapy and self-improvement trying to figure out why I couldn’t be perfect all the time. I studied my behavior relentlessly.
Side note: If you are still reading this you likely recognize some perfectionism in yourself. If you are still unsure, this is my favorite test I recommend, it is reliable and thorough. http://psychologytoday.tests.psychtests.com/bin/transfer?req=MTF8MzI2MnwyMDMyMjYwOXwxfDE=&refempt=1506612774.20322609.11
Back to my story: For those of you that know all about perfectionism you know that what I did was the exact thing any good perfectionist would do. Try to figure it out, fix it, control it and make everything perfect. We all know that when everything is perfect, we can avoid all the grossness in life. Right?
Nope, wrong.
My good friend (and therapist) told me: Diana, perfectionism is NOT an act of self-love. It is, in fact, just the opposite. When you don’t love yourself you torture yourself. You are trying to prove that you are worthy. Worthy of love, worthy of life, worthy of belonging and feeling connected. You are human and these expectations you are placing on yourself are out of this world ridiculous.
True story, I was torturing myself endlessly and literally driving myself crazy.
Fast forward many years, I found myself embracing my flaws in all their glory.
I finally realized that all anyone wants in life is to feel worthy. To believe we are good enough. To belong and to feel connected. That’s why there are groups, tribes, and churches. That is why there are teams, chat groups, and organizations. We all want to belong. The tough part is that although groups, etc. can help us get to a place where we feel connected, true connection comes from within.
If you have come to the realization that you are suffering from perfectionism I want you to know that you are not alone. I am with you, millions of us are with you.
I know It is exhausting and can be filled with mental anguish.
Here are a few tips to help you get started with letting go of your perfectionism:
1. Understand that on some level all of us struggle with perfectionism from time to time. However, being a chronic perfectionist (CP) doesn’t actually serve us in positive ways. It can create a deep sense of unworthiness because we are constantly holding ourselves up to ridiculously high standards that can never be achieved.
You can be an outstanding employee or employer with great attention to detail without being a perfectionist. You can be the most caring, attentive mother or father without being a perfectionist. You can be a great wife and lover without having to be so called ‘perfect’. Here are the 4 things you can do to make sure you still do your best without obsessing over being perfect.
a. Consistently do your best - in communication, intention and action.
b. Understand that you are human and make mistakes. It is OK.
c. Learn from your mistakes.
d. Move forward. Let go. Do not punish yourself for the mistake.
2. Figure out where in your life you are vulnerable. In my situation, I was trying to avoid any negative emotions- like blame, judgement, and rejection. What in your life are you trying to avoid?
3. Get mindful. Start to notice how your thought patterns work. Notice if you are judging others harshly – that usually means you are judging yourself harshly too.
4. Change your words. Once you notice the harsh perfectionist words twirling in your head, stop them. My favorite way to do that is with these mantra cards. I pick one and it always speaks to me- it flips it to the good.
You are perfect just he way you are. You are loved, just the way you are.
Be you,
With loads of love,
Diana