My dirty little secret
Here it is:
I spent most of my 20's medicated. It's true. I grew up in a pill poppin' household, back then we didn't know anything other than that. Have a headache? Take a pill. Can't sleep? Take a pill. Depressed? Take a pill.
Nowadays, I know that being on meds to increase a healthy mental state is no big deal, but back then I really felt like it was a dirty little secret. I was taking Prozac for depression and drinking booze to shed any insecurities and anxiety. YES, I know that alcohol only increases insecurities and anxiety - but I didn't know that then. It felt good when I got that bit of a buzz and could change into a happy wild child, even if only for an hour. Read more about the psychological effects of Alcohol right here.
The root of my depression and anxiety was complex. However, the one defining factor was that I was always trying to prove to myself (and everybody else) that I was good enough. Good enough to date, good enough to compete, good enough to win, a good enough daughter, good enough to love. I dated the 'not so nice' guys. I was sure that if I could change them, that would prove that I was worth something. I befriended girls who were loving and kind and beautiful and then I pushed them away because I felt like I couldn't push them down enough to bring myself up enough. I dieted. I literally starved myself to get to a 126 pound frame, because if I was skinny enough I was sure that would mean I was worthy.
The insanity of my life was very real.
I ran on this wheel for a lot of years, feeling more and more depressed and anxious as the years flew by.
More Prozac. More booze.
I remember one night, sitting at my kitchen table thinking "if this is life...why would I want to continue to live it? There MUST be something better, something more, something other than...than this. Intuitively I knew this was not the life I was meant to be living. Nothing about it felt good. I just didn't know how to get off the wheel. The only thing I knew was I was done. D-O-N-E.
That was the Pivotal Point (PP) in my life. That was the day I started making small (even micro) changes in my life to help me live healthier and happier. I did not do it alone and I worked at it everyday. I STILL work at it every single day.
Looking back, I think I was able to crawl out of the dark hole of life because I was on that medication. So really, my dirty little secret turned out to be not so dirty. I think that being on medication served it's purpose...but the booze...not so much.
At some point, most of us consciously or subconsciously ask ourselves: Am I good enough? Am I smart enough? Am I enough....? We literally shower ourselves with so much stress and expectation that we sink into a depression. We question this, clearly not understanding the way the Universe works.
Today I am sure of one thing.
That thing is this: YOU are enough. We all are.
That's how the Universe works. We are put on this earth - we are chosen. Our life is put in front of us so we can learn, flourish, love, share our purpose, live in hope, fulfill our every desire, but most of all learn our lessons.
You are enough. We all are.
With all my love,
Diana