Skype dates and Sperm Banks

I am a mom.  I wanted to be a mom so badly that at one point I went through a booklet of sperm donors so that I could order the sperm and do it myself.   I wasn’t going to wait.  I knew I had to be a mother. 

I am a “significant other”.  I wanted to be a girlfriend, wife, fiancé, whatever you want to call it, so badly at several points in my life that I settled for seriously, emotionally subpar dudes - thinking they would morph into what I wanted in a man.  I dipped into online dating sites fishing for ‘the one’ that would be my perfect partner.  I went on blind dates, double dates, skype dates, any date I could get my hands on, because I knew I had to be someone’s significant other. 

What I didn’t realize at the time, is that life events happen exactly when they are supposed to happen.

We can’t make it happen.  Ever.  It only happens when the time is right for it to happen.

Now- let's be clear, this is a hard concept for someone who gets stuff done, and I do- I get stuff done.  My mentor in my late 20's said to me- Diana, just focus on yourself and your happiness, and the rest will fall into place.  How could I do that?  Forget about being a mother?  Forget about having someone love me romantically?  Nope- I couldn’t do it.  So I continued the craze for an extended amount of time.

Then it happened:  Years and months later, life became so tiring and so cruel that I consciously let go of trying to control things I couldn't control.  Obviously I wasn't going to get what I wanted doing the things I had been doing.   The definition of insanity spinning around in my brain - Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.  Seriously- so many years of doing the same things- so many years of getting the same results!  You see, this was my rock bottom.  I was so unhappy and so uncomfortable that I knew the only thing left was to change.  I was the only one that could make my life better.  Period. 

So, I forgot about the sperm bank, the men, the dating sites, and I started walking, spending time with nature, eating healthy, and listening to my body.  I focused more intensely on work,  I read… a lot.  I read romance novels, self help books, business books, religion text books, you name it I read it.  I practiced Yoga.  I practiced Meditation.  I studied.  I worked out at the gym.  I was determined to feed my soul.  To nourish myself.   To have a healthy mind and body. 

Then one day it happened.  I fell in love with myself.  And I gotta tell you, I was the best “significant other” I've ever had!

The days following were magical.  I woke up without a worry- I spent my days feeling great and genuinely only focusing on what made me happy and healthy.   I was kind and generous with myself and others.  I knew I was on the right track.  I could feel it.  The sheer acceptance of myself.   I felt so free and so loved.  I was me.  Glorious me.  

The process to get here was life changing and I want to share that magic with you.  I can’t predict your future- or mine for that matter.  What I can tell you is that when you fall in love with yourself, it is the absolute best feeling in the world.  I am not talking about selfies for days, or egocentric acts of show.  I am talking about love.  Pure self love where no one needs to validate it. 

Here is the Honey Love concoction I used daily to nurture this love.  It is marvellous, ridiculous, fun, sweet, and really hard work.

1.     I woke up every morning early- before the world was awake and moving.  I took 5 minutes to write in my journal.  I would write what I was grateful for and what I wanted my day to look like.  Note: The first few days are the hardest but hang in there- this will allow you to focus on all the wonderful things you already have and let you plan the outline of your day.  

2.     I walked my dog.  Manny and I walked and walked and walked.  As I walked I would say mantras.  Whichever ones came to mind, depending on what I was currently struggling with.   One of my favourites was “I am perfectly grounded in this ever changing Universe”.  I repeated these mantras until I felt them deep in my soul.

3.     I asked for help.  When I found myself holding onto less than desirable feelings like: insecurity, jealousy, sadness, and guilt, I asked that the Universe take these feelings and return them back to me as love and white light.

4.     I spent time with people who helped me grow.  These are the people in your life that challenge you to grow.  They ask the hard questions and empower you to be better and do better. 

5.     I went to bed at a decent hour- and wrote in my journal before bed.  Often finding more things to be grateful for and letting my dreams pour out onto the pages.

We are so blessed to experience all these wonderful things in life.  Relationships, love, compassion- just to name a few.  Like everything in life- we get back what we put out.  If you give love- you will receive love.  If you are kind- you will find kindness all around you.   Be sweet and loving to others, be sweet and loving to yourself....and watch all your dreams come true.

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ox,

Diana